The anatomy of a decision

As always, I delayed in writing this, but here it finally is. I wanted to blog/journal about the recent decision process of choosing between the job offer at the University of Cape Town (UCT) and the potential offer at the University of Nairobi (UN). The benefits of each are outlined in previous postings, so I will not go there. What I want to talk about is what I learned/relearned about myself in this process.
My first confession is that I am not very good at making decisions. For those of who know me well, you know that this is true. I agonize over everything. Pretty sure that it will shorten my life. This decision was no different and there did not appear to be any clear leading towards one or the other. And when it boiled down to the moment of decision on April 30th, I couldn't do it. I asked UCT for a week extension and made a deal with God that if UN offered me a job during that week, that is where we were going. We'll never know if I would have keep that promise because the UN door was closed that week, ultimately making the decision straightforward, for which I am immensely grateful.
Now, my decision struggles was not something new, but as always my struggles brought me before God seeking guidance and direction. A couple of things that He pointed out to me is what I really want to share with you.
First, I have been listening to a book entitled Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell during my runs. Recently, I was listening to it and the author described having a breakdown in the midst of leading a wildly popular church. He visited a counselor and described that he was overwhelmed and wasn't sure why he was doing all of this. After talking through his problems for a while, the counselor pointed out that Rob was spending most of his time trying to please the people around him or being the "Super Pastor." The counselor reminded Rob that there is only one goal that he should pursuing: "to relentlessly pursue all that God had created him to be." Everything is secondary to that goal. As I thought about the decision that I was trying to make, who was I trying to please? I certainly wanted to help this guy in Nairobi. I wanted my friends and family to think that I was going to be a real missionary by going someplace more difficult, like Nairobi, instead a vacation spot, Cape Town. It just really made me stop and think about the motivations behind my indecision.
Second, I received the same Oswald Chambers post from two different people entitled The Graciousness of Uncertainty, which I am sure was not a coincidence. Oswald Chambers says things in a way that no one else can. The entire devotional is good, but what struck me was: "Naturally, we are inclined to be so mathematical and calculating that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing," which is so true, but then he said: "We are not uncertain of God, but uncertain of what He is going to do next." Once again, I was struck by the misdirection of my focus. I was feeling like my/our entire future hinged on this one decision, but it wasn't true. God doesn't change and as long as I was focused on him and pursuing what He created me to be, the uncertainty in life would work itself out and could actually be exciting. Wow, now that is a concept!
Now, I can only hope that these ideas will stay with me as I continue to make decisions regarding our future (hopefully it will help to write it down). Just remember: I am striving to pursue what God created me to be and my focus is on God and not on the certainty surrounding me.